Twins-an x-files novel
by Phoebsfan
Summary: Scully’s cancer returns and she is given days when her body disappears from the hospital. Treatments under the supervision of a certain smoking man lead Agent Scully to a mysterious little girl who looks familiar. Too familiar. CHAPTER THREE NOW UP.
1. Chapter one

An X-files Novel 

An X-files Novel 

Summary: Scully's cancer returns and she is given days when her body disappears from the hospital.Treatments under the supervision of a certain smoking man lead Agent Scully to a mysterious little girl who looks familiar.Too familiar.

Rating:PG I know I know you all wanted more swearing and violence. But there are ways around that.

Category:hmmm that's a good question lets see….Definitely angsty…you want angst you got angst. Did I mention angst.I'm feeling slight romance not enough for me to devote it to romance but you know. Picture season six and that is the degree of romance I am going for. (translation: you will not find any "Oh Mulder I love you more then life itself." Or "Scully will you marry me? I've loved you from the moment I saw you." You will find 1) Scully doubting herself 2) Mulder doubting himself 3) both of them denying any feelings other then friendship 4) other people joking about their relationship etc.)Defiantly an x-file. Hmmmmmm maybe I can get you some humor too.

Spoilers: You betcha! Anything up and through season six is fair game. You've been warned.

Archive: If you think it's worth it sure, just let me know first, keep all this attached, and tell me where so I can visit. Fanfiction.net is the only place that I have put it so…………. 

Contact: [phoebs_fan2001@yahoo.com][1]

Disclaimer: NO I DON'T OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM THE X-FILES.IF I DID THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT. (FOR EXAMPLE KRYCEK WOULD BE ALIVE) I DO HOWEVER OWN ANY OTHER LITTLE CHARACTERS LIKE SCULLY'S DOCTORS AND EXTRA PEOPLE. I ALSO OWN MY SWEET LITTLE ANNE AND MY MEAN MAN IN THE DARK SUIT.IF FOR SOME REASON YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SUE ME GO AHEAD. YOU CAN'T GET ANYTHING FROM ME SINCE I HAVE NO MONEY OR INCOME. BUT HEY YOU MIGHT ENJOY THE LAWYER'S FEES RIGHT. IF YOU WANT TO BORROW MY CHARACTERS I CAN'T SUE YOU, IF YOU PROMISE TO RETURN THEM SAFELY YOU MAY BORROW THEM.LIKE YOU WOULD WANT TO….

Notes: I started this a while ago and never got around to finishing it.It takes place after the movie and during season six if I have included other parts later I must say that I am sorry and somebody please tell me so I can fix it. THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. Written in Mulder and Scully's points of view with a narration for parts where the two main characters are absent.I figured I would experiment with it and see what everyone thinks.Also please take the time to tell me what you think and be brutally honest I really want to know if you think it sucks and if you enjoyed it I will try and post more sooner.Well that's all for now hope you enjoy.

Chapter One

Scully's Apartment

Georgetown, MD

12:32 AM

"Help me Mommy!" the child screamed in my head.Her voice chilling me like no other sound on earth, taunting and haunted at the same time."Mommy where are you?…Mommy?…Mommy!"

"Emily!" I cried out in vain, fighting against the invisible restraints that held me in place.She was slipping further and further away from me and I was growing weaker and weaker from fighting against my unseen assailants.

Then she was gone, I was free, and only her disembodied voice remained to pounce on my weakness.

"Mommy…Why didn't you save me?" her voice left me cold.

I bolted awake in a cold sweat, the sheets beneath me damp and clammy. Wiping at my eyes I vowed not to let it get to me as I glanced at the clock.Great, 12:30 in the morning. I tried not to get frustrated by the fact that I had finally drifted off about a half hour ago after three hours of trying.In fact when I flopped back on my back and threw an extra pillow across the room I was almost completely calm, that is until it knocked over a picture on my dresser, sending it crashing to the floor where the glass broke.

Turning on my bedside lap I struggled to free my tangled limbs from the sheets that bound me in place, no wonder I couldn't reach Emily.By the time I had gotten over to the mess I'd managed to bump my shin on my night stand and stub my toe on the corner of the bed, I was doing good so far with only one or two explicatives escaping my lips.

When I cut my finger on a piece of glass I decided that it was going to be one of those nights.The kind where I found a late night movie or curled up with a good book because sleep was something I obviously was not going to be granted. 

Sweeping up the final pieces of glass I tossed the pillow back onto the bed hoping that sometime later tonight I could get back there but knowing that that was not very likely.

After I had taken care of my injuries and pulled my robe on I made my way to the kitchen for some coffee.I'd given up on even the notion of sleep when I had knocked over not one but two bottles of medication in the bathroom and hit my head on the sink in retrieving them. By now I figured it would be safer to drink some coffee in front of the television and not move.

On the table were some notes I'd taken on the last case Mulder and I had been working on.I brushed by them hoping that they would fall to the ground so I could leave them there where they wouldn't bother me.Of course with the luck I was having that wasn't possible and they stayed on the table to taunt me the whole time I was making my coffee.

Finally I gave in and sat at the table looking them over, knowing I would have to write a report on them but not having the faintest idea of where to start. My eyes scanned the papers again and reviewed the facts.

_Anthony Wills of Denver Colorado Predicts the death of five state officials, knowing when and how the victims would be killed down to the very last detail. _Of course we'd never gotten to ask him about it since when we tried to talk with him he wasn't living in the same place and no records of his existence could be found. It read like a tabloid heading, Psychic Boy Tells All: End of the World is Coming… But that wasn't the only thing that had attracted Mulder to this particular case…_When questioned how he knew these details he said he'd heard them from the killer._ Oh that wouldn't have been so bad if he had left it at that but no. "_I heard it in my head." _In his own words.

One name had stood out in Mulder's head, Gibson Praise. He'd been on a real Gibson streak lately.Gibson was the key, we had to find Gibson.I was starting to hate that name.

I'd drawn my own conclusions of course. _Possibly overheard killer talking about the crime, watched too much TV, or he just had an over active imagination._ Here Mulder had taken the liberty of adding his own notes in his chicken scrawl. _Yeah and my fish jump through flaming hoops on the weekends for fun right after they go to the local arcade to catch up on all the news from the local serial killer.Anthony and Gibson clearly have…_

I wanted to tell him to shove his fish where the sun didn't shine but I resisted the urge to call him up.And instead finished reading. 

_No leads could be found. _

Of course was I expecting anything else from this?

I slammed my coffee cup on the table angrily sending coffee flying everywhere.Taking the notes in my hand I tore them furiously taking my rage at my partner out on the notes.Realizing how much I hated him at the moment lessened the frustration I was feeling so I slowed my crazed fingers into tearing the remaining parts slowly, deliberately, into small equal pieces.The methodical movements seemed to satisfy my sick and twisted need to somehow hurt him while dulling my mind to a point of numbness that made it all too easy to forget. Easy to forget the coffee dripping on my leg, the overwhelming sense of exhaustion that left every pore of my being aching, the constant headaches I'd been experiencing, the nauseating dizziness, the fact that I was sick of Mulder and his paranormal goose hunts, that I was sick of losing everything for one little piece of truth only to find that we could never prove it or to have it taken from us later.

I watched the little pieces of paper float to the floor and pondered the metaphoric nature of it.Some pieces landed on the table while others landed on the floor. Some in the coffee while others landed and rested dryly without any interference.I could pick out the pieces that were Melissa, Emily, my abduction, my past friends, my health, and my sanity.All of it was there, some of the pieces I could pick up again and keep while others like Emily were lost in the spilt coffee.Looking down I saw that more pieces were ruined then saved.

I tried to tell myself that I was being silly. Looking at torn pieces of paper to define this next big decision in my life was no better then looking at tea leaves or chasing after ghosts.True I had lost a lot but that didn't mean there was nothing good in my life anymore.I had my friends…ok so I didn't have quite as many as I used to.I had my family…yes it was a lot smaller then I liked now.I had my…my…I couldn't say it because honestly I didn't know if I still did…I didn't find it likely, I was after all a doctor and I couldn't deny all the symptoms forever.So I'd lost a lot. So.I kept trying to find a bright spot in all this mess.

Mulder's chicken scrawl glared up at me from the piece that so clearly represented him.It had landed on my lap of all places, safe from any contaminating elements.It was bigger then the rest of the pieces and was the only piece to have landed on my lap.I tried to ignore the symbolism. And I think I was doing exceptionally well so far.I didn't think about his words the previous summer, _you kept me honest. You made me a whole person._I didn't think about his drugged words this past fall or how they had infuriated me, _I love you._ I didn't think about how he had saved my life so many times or how I had saved his.I didn't think about the night in the hospital when I was dying from cancer, how he had come to me and cried by the side of my bed, thinking I was asleep.I didn't think about the fluke men and goat-suckers, the train cars and alien bounty hunters.I didn't think about his hand on the small of my back, his innuendos, his hand in mine, his arms around me comforting me, and I certainly didn't think about the almost kiss we'd shared.In fact I didn't think about him so much it felt like he was standing behind me watching me make this decision.

Sometimes when I am alone and I have some serious thinking to do it feels like he is there with me.It hadn't bugged me so much before because I could always ignore it but now with his writing staring me in the face I can't ignore the feeling.

Sometimes I couldn't separate my professional life and my private life.More and more lately the two have become tangled together so that I can't find which way is up. 

And sometimes, not very often and only under certain conditions and even then not often enough for me to worry about it too much, I can't tell where I stop and he begins but that doesn't happen frequently or anything. Seldom at best.

I'm afraid he's invading more and more everyday.Before I only saw him at work but then more and more work followed me home so he came home with me too.Before I knew it he had a key to my apartment and my mother's number on his speed dial at home in case of emergencies.Then my mother was asking me if I wanted to invite _Fox_- she was on a first name basis with him something I wasn't even allowed-to thanksgiving dinner and asking if I was going to spend New Years with _Fox_.I wanted to know when I started keeping a spare set of clothes at his apartment and when he started keeping one at mine.Or when we had started spending Friday nights at his place watching movies.When had I stopped dating because I couldn't find time to fit it into my schedule?When had I stopped wanting to date anyone.When had I started missing his face over the weekends and when had I started wanting him to call me at home in the middle of the night when he couldn't sleep.

But I didn't want to think about that now. I couldn't afford to analyze our relationship because in all honesty it wouldn't be fair. I had to get out before more of my life ended up in those little puddles of spilt coffee.I had to get out before the Mulder piece couldn't be torn apart from the rest of me.I had to get out now.

Mulder glared up at me and I nodded in agreement. Yes I was being foolish. I don't know how I even entertained the thought of leaving.I had told him so many times that I wouldn't.He trusted me to keep that word and I felt obligated to.But was that the only reason I was staying? Because I felt obligated to?

No, part of me assured. No, he means too much to you to leave.

But that was reason enough to run wasn't it?Well that and the impending test results.

This time the Mulder piece looked at me in pity and I brushed it angrily off my lap hoping it would land in a puddle of coffee and give me my answer.Strangely enough though I couldn't bring myself to look where it landed.I was afraid.Afraid of what I'd find, afraid to believe it.

I felt overwhelmingly guilty at my thoughts.And even though the incriminating piece of paper was no longer on my lap I felt as though it's eyes were boring into my head, seeing the treachery I was trying so valiantly to hide.Seeing the unavoidable truths that I was coming to discover.

I wasn't sure I could keep doing this.

I wanted a normal life.

I was tired of chasing this elusive thing we called the truth only to have it thrown in our face at too high a cost.

Part of me wanted out.

Part of me needed out.

My health was fading.

My life passing each day with nothing to validate the existence of my soul.

The cost was so high and the benefits almost non-existent.I could list them on one hand, Mulder, the "truth" (whatever that consisted I wasn't sure anymore.), Mulder…I couldn't even fill one hand.The expense on the other hand seemed endless, Melissa, my health, my sanity, my life… and the list continued on and on.

To say that this was the first time I had thought about resigning would be a lie.As much as I'd like to say that I'd been totally forthcoming with Mulder in saying I would never leave, I knew that I had never addressed how close I had come in the past to doing just that.Yet I had never taken that step that placed me past that line, the one from which I couldn't return.

Right now I seriously considered the possibilities, feeling guilty, cheap, cruel, unloyal.

This moment would have been ten times easier had it come five years earlier.But I knew it wouldn't have come five years earlier.Five years ago I was still young and naïve.Five years ago I was still learning my partners odd behavior.I still smiled and laughed at the simple things.Five years ago the hardest thing I had to face was my father's death.I still had a future five years ago.My job wasn't the only thing in my life.Mulder and I were just getting to know each other; we hadn't been through the darkest depths of hell trying to save each other's lives.

The monsters we fought still lived in a separate world, they didn't sleep in our beds at night, they didn't live in our heads, they couldn't consume us.

Yeah, five years ago I could have said goodbye lets keep in touch, knowing that if he didn't I would be ok.

I had to stop analyzing this or it would drive me insane.

The dripping coffee brought me back on task as I slid back from the table and stood a little to quickly I judged as I fought back a wave of dizziness clinging to the edge of the table.Gathering the bits of paper on the table and on the floor I started to clean up the mess that I had made, soaking up the coffee with the paper.The notes were beyond repair anyway and didn't say anything I didn't already know.

As I knelt to pick up the last scrap of paper which had blown farther from the rest, a warm drop of liquid slipped from my nose to the floor and I closed my eyes hoping I was wrong.Squeezing my eyes even tighter I waited for what seemed to be an eternity as even more warm liquid flowed from my nose.I didn't need to see those test results.

Opening my eyes I took in the red drop on the floor distantly.Methodically I wiped at the spot with the sleeve of my robe and stood up starting toward the bathroom.I wet a washcloth and wiped at my nose smearing blood across my face.Some slipped in my mouth as if the vision of it hadn't been enough.Its thick coppery taste choked me, suffocating my dreams and my future with its saltiness. 

I watched in a daze as the red water dripped from the washcloth and slipped down the drain innocently enough. Yet it still stained my hands.

I caught the reflection of my eyes in the mirror and almost jumped.

They were cold, distant, hardened.They left an unforgettable impression on my mind.They were not the Dana Scully I wanted to be.They were not the person I once was.They were filled with post-Fowley jealousy and hurt.They were the "I'm fine's.They were what people called me behind my back at work.And they hurt I thought with a string of explicatives.

I watched in awe as those same icy blue eyes opened up and let a tear slip through.I watched as it streamed down my face mixing with the smeared blood. Then more and more followed, not afraid now of being the first wanting to catch up to their brave friend who had charted the unknown territory for them.Only a few made it, the rest I wiped away stubbornly as those same blue eyes threw up their walls again.

It was then I decided that the cost was too high.

It was then I decided to get out while I had the chance, to disappear so that those I loved could keep believing I'd eventually come back, to slip away one night while no one was watching.

It was then I decided to break the vow I'd given Mulder.

It was then I decided to resign.

Mulder's Apartment

Alexandria, VA

12:46 PM

Something was wrong with Scully.

Something had been wrong with her for a couple of weeks now.Every once in a while I'd look over and she would be rubbing the bridge of her nose or pausing as a wave of dizziness hit her. Her explanation: "I'm fine."

Of course she was fine she always was fine.

I wanted so badly to take those words out of the air and feed them to her on a platter.Sure she was fine.So fine that I couldn't sleep from worry over just how fine she was.

I wanted to call her.Lie to her about some dream I didn't have so that I'd have an excuse to talk to her.Maybe if I played my cards right she'd let me come over.It hadn't happened yet but it could happen.

Anything was possible. Right?

Somehow I didn't find it likely that she would invite me over in the middle of the night. I didn't find it possible either.

I had traced her behavior back to Colorado.At first I thought it was just her way of getting back at me for not believing that Diana was going to or in the process of betraying me.I still don't believe that Diana could ever do that to me but I can't explain that to Scully.She doesn't understand our relationship.I don't really understand it either.I just know that Diana can be trusted.Honestly I was kind of glad that Scully had gotten bent out of shape over it.At least I know she cares in someway for me.

So when she first started snubbing me in Colorado I thought it was the normal Scully defensive position.But then she started getting physical symptoms and forgetting things, being just careless.I realized then that half of the snubs hadn't been because of Diana but because of her exhaustion.

She fought it though.Pretending everything was fine and carrying on was the game of the day.When she hardly fought my explanations; when she stood leaning against a wall, a car, even me; when I found her asleep in her room at quarter to six and let her sleep till noon the next day, knowing she didn't wake before then because I stayed in the room with her; it tipped me off that she wasn't fine.No one could sleep eighteen hours and still wake up exhausted and be fine.

One terrifying thought kept running through my head.

What if it wasn't working anymore?

That of course led me to researching others who had their cancer treated in the same manner.Which led me to five obituaries and six survivors. 

I wanted Scully to be number seven.

I needed Scully to be number seven.

But it looked like Scully was going to be the sixth obituary instead; at least that was what I was afraid it looked like.

If I wasn't such a coward I would go over there and sit with her. If I wasn't such a coward I would make her make an appointment.

If I wasn't scared beyond belief I would tell her about the five obituaries instead of keeping it from her.

But I was scared, petrified, trembling even, at the wide gaping pit of possibilities.I didn't want to address the issue because I knew then it would become a reality I didn't want to face.I didn't want to have yet another issue between the two of us either.

Mentioning her health would make her defensive.It would place us on that unequal ground Scully hated.She'd think I was being a chauvinistic prig for butting in where I so obviously didn't belong.

I was having a hard time knowing if she would be right or not.

We'd worked together for six years and I was starting to think that maybe I did have a right to "butt in."I was starting to think that maybe it was time I picked up the phone and invited myself over.

Then I remembered the many reasons that I hadn't in the past.Each reason had a name or title that I wasn't all too fond on remembering.Melissa, Emily, the abduction.Each stemmed from my quest and try as I might I could never bring myself to overcoming that guilt.Scully hated it when I thought this way, she'd told me time and time again that she had made her own decisions.But her decisions were biased. We both knew that.Even if she didn't want to admit it she stayed mostly because of me.I hated myself for that more with each new contribution to the ever-increasing Ruin Scully's Life Fund.

I left my spot on the couch and started pacing.TV to fish tank, TV to fish tank.The motion numbed me to my overworking mind.I found it easier to forget the reason I was pacing but not by much.Twice now I had picked up the phone, finger hovering over speed dial.Twice now I'd hung up feeling like an idiot.

Finally after deciding I had been an idiot long enough I picked up the phone and let my finger crash into the speed dial button before I could have second, third, and even fourth thoughts about it.

Scully's phone rang…and rang…and rang…the machine picked up after ring six and I silently cursed myself hoping that I didn't wake her.

"Hey Scully, it's me.I was just calling you to see if you were up to a late night discussion on the age old question: Paper or Plastic?But I guess it will have to wait for another night along with: Do you want fries with that?Or how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop™?" I hung up, hoping I didn't sound to desperate and paced until the man below me threw something at his ceiling with a string of explicatives suggesting I stop or find myself in a very uncomfortable position involving my feet down and up various orifices.I contemplated the possibility of a human body being able to bend as my generous neighbor so kindly suggested and decided to stop pacing.

Instead I tried staring at my ceiling for a few hours.I wondered if the pacing would be worth it again and decided that it wouldn't when I realized how exhausted I was.I must have dozed once or twice because I woke up to the sun rising. I decided then it was late enough for me to get ready for work.

Scully's Apartment

1:13 am

I don't know how long I sat in the bathroom.I just know that when the phone started to ring I found myself sitting there, blood drying on my face, my foot asleep and the cold hard tiles biting into the exposed skin on my ankle.

I let the phone ring.I didn't want to talk to Mulder right now.I knew it was him because no one else would call me that late at night.Part of me wanted to talk to him but I suppress that urge, shoving the impulse to the box I'd labeled as my past life and instead finished cleaning the blood off my face and then looked for something to do that would mark the beginning of this, my new life.

I came up with nothing fairly quickly.There really isn't anything on television at one in the morning I quickly learned and nothing on my bookshelves that I hadn't read.It was then I remembered the gift my mother had given me for Christmas, which had been sitting on the top shelf in my closet collecting dust.

I found the gift buried under some old sweaters and blankets and I pulled it from it's hiding place blowing the thin layer of dust that somehow managed to make it through the surrounding barricades.

It was a puzzle, the kind with about a million pieces.I sat in front of my coffee table just looking at it, occasionally caressing the picture on the box with my fingertip.It reminded me of simpler days and happier times.I found a tear slipping down my cheek again as the memories came flooding back before I could stop them.

My father and I used to do these kind of puzzles.When he was home that is.They would take forever but he never complained.He enjoyed our time together as much as I did. I remember once Bill got mad that Dad was spending so much time on my puzzle with me that when I was helping clean up after dinner one night he took it all apart and threw the pieces all over the room.I remembered crying and my father telling me it was all right because we could put it back together.And then he spent the night trying to put it back together with me.I fell asleep soon after we started but I remember waking up the next day and finding that he had put almost every piece back where it had been before Bill had destroyed it.In my younger years there was hardly a day when you could walk around the house and not find a partially put together puzzle.

I should have listened to my father; I never should have joined the FBI.

I spent the rest of the night sorting through puzzle pieces trying to put the picture and my broken life back together.All in all I think I was productive.When I placed the last piece of the puzzle in and stared down at the picture of the Mona Lisa I almost felt as if my life was complete again.

I voted on a quick shower, writing my papers of resignation, and a cup of coffee, when a quick glance at the clock told me that was all that I would have time for if I wanted to get to the office and hand in my papers before Mulder arrived.

I never allowed myself to listen to his message.It would be too hard.

   [1]: mailto:phoebs_fan2001@yahoo.com



	2. Chapter two

Chapter Two

Chapter Two

FBI Headquarters

Washington DC

7:31 am

I had gotten to work early like usual to look over some old case files and figure out the best way to approach Scully.Last night I had come to the conclusion that straight forward would be the best way.But now that the confrontation would take place in less then an hour I was starting to doubt myself.My cowardice was starting to kick in and force my mouth to stay closed, ignoring this as it had other things so many times in the past.

I was saved from dwelling further on the subject and thus making a complete donkey of myself by my office phone ringing.

"Mulder." I answered hoping that it wasn't some call from Kersh wanting to let into me for my recent actions.

"Agent Mulder, Assistant Director Skinner would like to see you in his office as soon as possible."Skinner's secretary informed me.

"Do you know what this is about?" I asked curiously.Skinner wasn't my direct superior anymore or should I say yet.Scully and I had just gotten reassigned to the X-files but Kersh didn't seem ready for us to go back to work as it used to be.We were still on probation in some sense having to report to Kersh for the next month or so while he made sure that the work Scully and I were doing was as he put it,"a legitimate use of FBI manpower and not some all expense paid UFO-watching vacation time…the FBI is not a place for the grinding of personal axes…" he'd continued for a good thirty minutes making sure to remind us that we weren't the only department and that the expense reports from our small department were more then three times that of any other department.He'd mentioned something about our careless disregard for protocol and then generally let into us on our flagrant disregard of direct orders.All in all it wasn't the greatest hour of my life.

Now I wondered if maybe Kersh was sick of listening to our reports and was finally willing to cut us loose.If that was what Skinner wanted to talk to me about I was more then willing to become religious and pray to every different version of God on the planet thanking him, her, them, for the favor.

Not wanting to waste anymore time I made my way up to Skinner's office finding him waiting at his desk for me.

"What's this about sir?" I questioned hoping that this would be quick, I still didn't have a great approach to the Scully issue yet and I wanted one before she arrived.

"It's about Agent Scully." He supplied, concern in his voice.

"Sir?" I questioned, wondering if he had noticed anything, knowing that if he had this problem was bigger than I thought.

"I was hoping you could tell me what is going on." He continued.

"Sir?" I questioned again knowing full well what he meant but hoping I was wrong.He'd only seen her in passing a handful of times in the past few weeks.If he'd noticed her acting strange…

"With Agent Scully." He prodded.He didn't want to play this game and his tone made it clear that I had better start answering his questions.

"You've noticed too." I fielded hoping he'd say no and that he was asking for some other reason.

"Noticed what? I called you in here because she called to schedule an appointment with me this morning." I let out a mental sigh of relief before I continued.

"With you sir?" she should have been scheduling with Kersh.

"I thought you knew.In the meeting you missed yesterday…" he said that pointedly trying to make me feel guilty for skipping out on another meeting with Kersh and leaving Scully to handle it. "…as of this morning you two are to report to me from now on." I tuned in to hear. "So again I ask if you know what this is all about."

I didn't get to answer him thankfully because there was a knock on the door and his secretary's face appeared.

"Agent Scully's here to see you sir." She interrupted.I caught Scully's eye questioning her as she peeked around the secretary.I don't think she could have broken eye contact any faster if wild hyenas were chasing her.She was keeping something important from me, and her quick avoidance only proved her guilt.I felt physically ill.

Excusing myself I shot a questioning look at Skinner and he nodded back.Scully brushed by me as I exited the office.I caught her hand trying to get her to at least look at me but she didn't move her head an inch and so I let her hand slip through mine.Tucked under her arm I noticed a file folder and I was hit with the overwhelming feeling that its contents were not friendly.The door closed behind her and I sat to wait.

Skinner's office

7:46 am

Swallowing the awful lump Mulder put in my throat when he looked at me I made my way over to Skinner's desk contemplating once more the papers I had tucked into the file folder I now carried.

These papers affected more then just me and I knew it.Had I not known it, had I pretended that they didn't, this transaction of papers would have been so much easier. I've handed people papers of various sorts millions of times, why this time when all I had to do was pull them out and put them in his hand I found my feet glued to the floor and my arm stiffly guarding the fate of my career, I could only guess at.

"Agent Scully?" Skinner questioned when he noticed my hesitancy.Well I could always have that, my hesitancy, that would say that I at least contemplated turning back.

His question seemed to restore all faith in my decision and I found my feet freed from their invisible bonds and my arm loosely hanging by my side.I even found my mouth forming words I didn't think they ever could form. I hadn't planned on saying anything until he questioned me but this new bold me went right on ahead trashing any carefully laid plans I had conceived for the layout of this meeting.

"Sir, I plan to resign." That organ formally known as my mouth said firmly.Well at least this new mouth of mind felt certain of this.And as my new hand handed him the folder I wanted to congratulate it for doing such a hard thing.

"Agent Scully.Are you certain?You've been through a lot lately and I can understand your feelings but I wouldn't advise you to do this.Stop and think about it." He tried to persuade me and inside I agreed with him all the way, at least I think I did.I'm not all to certain how much of me was siding with my mouth and hand.

"With all due respect sir, I have thought about it for quite some time and I have come to the conclusion that the FBI is no longer in need of my services nor do I wish to stay here and render them."He stood staring from me to the papers, me to the papers, as if he couldn't quite register what had just happened.That's perfectly normal though because I couldn't register what had just happened and I had known it was going to happen a lot longer.Finally he broke the silence and utter stupidity we were both playing into.

"Is that all Agent Scully?" What else was he expecting?

"Yes sir."

"You're dismissed." He finally acknowledged.

"Thank you for understanding."

Collecting myself I exited his office and leaned into the closed door sighing relief.It was over and I felt awful about it but at least it was over.I felt tears starting to well up again and bit my tongue until I was sure it started to bleed.I wasn't going to allow myself to be an emotional train wreak over this because simply put, it wasn't worth it.

"Well?" Mulder's deep voice startled me and I jumped.Swallowing the lump in my throat and avoiding eye contact I walked away from the door and pretended something down the hall captivated all my attention.I should have known he'd wait for me outside the office. I wouldn't have been surprised if he even listened at the door.I certainly wouldn't put it past him.

"Not now." I said coolly brushing past him.I didn't really think that that excuse would work and Mulder confirmed my thoughts when he grabbed my sleeve stopping me. His force however surprised me.

"No Scully, now." He almost growled. "You've been acting…" he was struggling over this and I wasn't making it any easier on him. I could tell he was searching for a word that would fit. I could tell he was trying to keep this topic on safe ground.But I could also tell there was way too much emotion riding in the background of our voices for keeping this subject on safe ground.

"…different…" he softened, his face, his grip, his voice, his whole manner seemed to change into that of a vulnerable little boy."I want…no I need to know why." He was pleading with me.

It was official I felt like a sack of potatoes thrown around, kicked.If you notice no one cares too much what happens to the sack of potatoes.You don't treat them with care like you do your eggs or your tomatoes.

Not only did I feel like a sack of potatoes I felt like I should just stick a cigarette in my mouth and ask people to call me Smoky.I wondered why I didn't just rip his heart out and dance on it.

I'd betrayed him. I'd lied to him, broken promises, turned on him.I was now supposed to tell him this. I waited for the background music from those movies, the music they always play when something important is about to happen.The music didn't come.And the woman who stood in Skinner's office moments ago seemed to run off without a backwards glance leaving me here to do the dirty work.Figured.It also figured that this me couldn't tell Mulder what I had done.

I made the biggest mistake of my life then, I looked him in the eyes.

Then of course a few stray tears did slip out.I willed him not to touch me.It would be too easy to throw myself in his arms.

He must have seen this in my eyes and he let go of my sleeve breaking eye contact.

"I'm sorry." I squeaked out and left him standing there alone, looking very much like a broken man.

As I watched Scully go I knew what she had done.It became all to clear, all to incredibly painfully clear.

When she disappeared in the elevator I slammed my fist into the wall sending spasms of pain through my wrist and arm.It was a stupid move and it didn't make me feel any better, worse in fact, but it was a different pain, one more easily handled.

"Are you quite finished Agent Mulder?" Skinner asked from behind me.I nodded then turned around.

"She resigned didn't she?" I questioned.

"Agent Mulder this isn't the time or the place…" Skinner started but I cut him off.

"Just tell me…" I broke off with an explicative.Skinner only nodded.We stood in silence for a moment.

"I'm holding her papers Agent Mulder."I could only nod and vow silently to find out why she acted the way she did.

FBI Headquarters

8:20am

I waited for him in his office.Looking around at the walls that had become so familiar to me I tried not to remember other significant events, events that changed our lives, events that occurred in this room. I tried not to remember every time I had picked up the phone on his desk and answered it with "Scully".

Mulder was kind; he didn't come after me right away.He allowed me some time to collect myself.What he and I hadn't realized though was that this time spent in his office was killing me.I needed him here now so that I couldn't have time to talk myself out of it.I was about to go and hunt him down when he walked in.

"I got this memo on a case in Massachusetts about a…" Mulder started but I cut him off.

"Cut the crap Mulder."

"I'm sorry?" he questioned.

I really didn't want to play this game with him.

"I said cut the crap. We both know that I know that you know I am resigning."

"Your resigning?" he questioned innocently yet full of sarcasm.I could almost feel the fierce raw power the emotion he was holding back.He was playing this game because he didn't want to loose it. I wanted him to loose it. I needed him to blow up in my face if only to know that he was handling it.

"Mulder." I said warning him.I knew I'd hit the mark when he let out the breath he had been unconsciously holding.

"What did you want me to do Scully?I do not plan to sit back and watch you leave. I can't let you do this.I need a reason." He said emphasizing the last 'I.' "You didn't believe that I would freaking sit back and watch you throw everything down the g—forsaken drain.D----- Scully. I won't let you do this."I felt strangely calm seeing him loose it.As long as it was he and not I I could remain calm, rational, clearheaded. If he became calm and understanding however…

"Mulder it's my decision. My choice.And I have made up my mind."

"Have you? Have you really thought about this?" he said rushed and pointed, clinging to some hope that maybe I hadn't thought long and hard about this, clinging to the hope that he could talk me out of it.

I only nodded to answer his question.It was enough. It did its job.

"Why?" he said much quieter, begging me.I gave him a faint smile then trying to reassure him that things were going to be ok, better even.

"Because I'm tired Mulder.Because I need to have a life outside of this.Because its time."

"I can't do this without you."Things were starting to get uncomfortable fast.

"Yes Mulder. Yes you can. You have before. You will continue to."

"Scully…you make me…more. I…"I felt a certain scene in Mulder's hallway coming on and I knew we couldn't try to reenact it so I tried to change the playing field.

"Mulder I'd like your support in this. I agree that it will be difficult at first but we'll get through it."

"What do you want me to do?" he almost whispered.So like that I'd won.It wasn't quite as sweet a victory as I had thought and it happened far too easily. 

"Support me. Let me go.Don't fight with me over this." I was still suspicious.

"I'm sorry Scully I can't do that. I can't support you in something I don't believe in. And I can't let you go.You told me once that you needed to stay.Scully you're good at what you do.You have saved so many people but more still need you-"

"At what price! Mulder I'm not quitting because I want too. I'm doing it because I have to." I cut off his passionate speech.

"Who says you have to?" he demanded harshly. This was getting out of my hands and I felt my heart beating out of control.

"Mulder. I really don't feel like arguing right now…I…" Suddenly I felt breathless and dark spots started to cloud my eyes."Mulder I…" then darkness engulfed me.


	3. Chapter three

Chapter Three

FBI Headquarters

8:28 am

            I caught her as she fell.   Laying Scully on the ground I checked for a pulse and when I found it although thready and irregular I let out the breath I'd been holding only to find myself holding my breath again as I called to her.

            "Scully…Scully come on…D----" this scene was all too familiar.  Picking up the phone I called for help.

            Although records showed it only took four minutes for them to get her out of the building and on the road to the hospital it felt like an eternity as I sat helplessly waiting for paramedics.  There was so much I wanted to do for her but nothing in my capability.

            I wanted to hunt down the people who had done this to her but I didn't know who to be looking for.  In all honesty I had no evidence that anyone had done anything to her.

            I wanted to hunt down a cure for whatever it was that was doing this to her but I didn't know what to look for.

            I wanted to go and call her mother, anything at all to get me out of this room.  Standing around and waiting wasn't doing anything to help her.  I needed something to put my back against.  Something to occupy my mind so that I couldn't think about or process what was happening.

            As much as I wanted to be there for her now I wanted to run far from this room.  I hated visiting Scully in the hospital because it reminded me that there were too many reasons for her to quit and too many reasons for me to worry about.

            It reminded me that we weren't invincible that at the blink of an eye one of us could be gone, leaving the other alone to struggle through this mess we liked to call life.

            It reminded me of how much I'd taken from her.

            It reminded me of my helplessness, my faults and inefficiencies.

            I didn't like standing helpless as my friend walked through death's door time and time again only to be saved miraculously.

            I believed in miracles, but not an endless supply of them.  And I figured our supply of miracles was almost if not already up.  One day Scully wouldn't be turning around and walking back out of death's door.  One day she would be gone for good and the thought petrified me. 

            As I followed them out of the building my mind must have went into autopilot because I have no recollection of how I got to the hospital.  All I knew as I paced in that dreary long hallway was that Scully was in serious trouble.  I'd heard snatches of conversation, _we almost lost her on the way over, or __I've never seen anything quiet like it, according to her past history which is miraculous I must say… or my all time favorite a conversation between two nurses who both looked at me with so much pity I could almost gag on it._

            _"Is that her boyfriend?"_

_            "No it's her partner but according to Anderson the two of them are known around here as regulars.  She says that she suspects the two of them have something going on."_

_            "I sure wouldn't wanna be the one to tell him."_

_            "Well I'm glad that isn't in my job description as well. I guess their luck just ran out."_

_            "Guess so."_

_            I had a hard time sitting still after that one. _

 I managed to contact Scully's family while I waited.  Her mother had been out of town visiting friends. I sure wouldn't want that left on my answering machine.  I always thought it would be the other way around.  Scully leaving a message on my mother's machine, but I guess I was wrong.  I guess I've been wrong about a lot of things.

            Finally after five hours of pacing the hall, reading every teen or housekeeping magazine on the face of the planet and driving the nurses insane with my questions I was ready to go and check myself in for insanity when a doctor walked over to me. After a brief introduction he delivered his fatal news.

            "Your partner is in very serious condition.  It appears as if her cancer has come out of remission and is in its final stages.  She is comatose and has been since her arrival. I will not lie to you we almost lost her a few times in the past few hours.  The tumor is untreatable and is growing at a pace we have never seen before.  We've done everything we can.  Patients in her condition don't last very much longer and in all honesty I can tell you that your partner, the woman you knew, is most likely already gone.  Chances are slim that she will wake up and impossible that she will recover. Unless of course you believe in miracles."  

I stood dumbly looking at my feet slowly shaking my head trying to calmly accept Scully's fate.  Trying to accept that after six years I was losing her and the last thing that had taken place between us was a stupid argument brought on by me.  It's hard not to hate yourself when you screw up someone else's life so badly.

"At the stage…at the stage…could she have known?" I asked finding that my thoughts couldn't be expressed as clearly as I wanted because they got caught somewhere in my esophagus between my heart and my larynx but needing to know if it was the only answer I ever got.  Even if I already knew what the doctor would say.  Even if I knew the doctor would confirm my fears.

"I'm not sure Mr. Mulder, that it would be possible for your partner not to know." 

Of course.

I wasn't expecting anything else.  It made sense, hauntingly so.  

She knew she was dying.  She'd just wanted out so she could enjoy the last little bit of time she had left.  I couldn't blame her or hate her for it.  It was so very like her to pretend that everything was fine.  It wouldn't have mattered how long I'd argued with her over her resignation.  If she hadn't collapsed I never would have found out that she was out of remission.

I never would have gotten the opportunity to say goodbye because she never would have told me she was leaving and that this time it was impossible for me to go with her.

I wanted to go with her.

I didn't want her to leave me behind.

She wasn't really.  She couldn't be

_I have been one acquainted with the night._

_I have walked out in rain--and back in rain._

_I have outwalked the furthest city light._

College lit classes, memorized poems.  They always came back to me at the strangest moments.

_I have looked down the saddest city lane._

_I have passed by the watchman on his beat._

_And dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain._

Scully's doctor was staring at me.  I knew he was waiting to see if I'd be ok.  But I couldn't reassure him with Frost running through my head.

_I have stood still and stopped the sound of feet_

_When far away an interrupted cry_

_Came over houses from another street,_

_But not to call me back or say good-by;_

_And further still at an unearthly height_

_One luminary clock against the sky_

I guess it wasn't all too strange for me to be thinking about those poems.  I've learned it's a good way to distance myself from a situation.

_Proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right._

_I have been one acquainted with the night._

"Can I see her?" It was a logical question.  One I'm sure any sane and rational person would ask and it appeared to be the correct one because the doctor, the bringer of my death, seemed to relax.  I wondered if he thought I'd lose it on him.

"Follow me." he nodded and I followed as he led me.  Emotionally blind.  Yet things seemed to scream out to me in harsh colors.  The old, the young, the sick, they were all here, those beginning their lives and those ending them.

As this giver of life, this miracle worker, led me down the twisted maze of hallways, the twisted maze of emotions, I wondered at his title.  Could he really heal?  

Where was Scully's miracle?

I knew that Scully had plenty of miracles.  That she'd borrowed miracles that weren't hers to begin with.  But I was jealous of the laughing couple with their new child, the middle-aged man with his elderly father.  They had something that Scully may never have.

Life.

I'd taken that from her.

She was in ICU, when was she not.  It was always ICU.  It was never just a bruise or cut.  It was always ICU. The Intensive Care Unit.  The Impossibly Cold Unit.  The Investigative Crime Unit.  

Lost among the wires that gave her life.  The jungle of wires that kept her breathing, kept her heart beating.  Kept her alive so the tumor could eat her.  

The doctor left me to inform Scully's mother, who'd just arrived from her shortened vacation.  This was not what Margaret Scully was supposed to come back to.

My monologue was entirely internal as I grabbed her cold hand.

_Well Scully it looks like this is it.  Funny I always thought it would be the other way around.  I hate this Scully.  I hate how I've ruined your life.  I hate how it isn't me lying there right now.  We both know it should be me.  It's ironic but the machines that are keeping you alive are killing you.  They feed that tumor that will ultimately end everything for you and me.  I wish I could tell you to fight this.  But I don't want to hurt you anymore.  I should just give up my selfish desires to keep you here with me.  It's selfish of me to wish you alive and conscious when I know it will only hurt you more.  I should be able to just let you go like you wanted.  _

_Your mother just arrived.  She shouldn't have to see you like this.  How many times have I made her suffer as well?  It's too many.  Too much._

_You knew.  We both knew.  I guess I'm just going to have to live with the regret of knowing and not saying anything to you.  Not telling you about those articles, those obituaries.  I should have said something.  I wanted a goodbye.  _

_But I guess I just wanted to believe._

_I wanted to believe in forever.  That we had time to sort everything out._

_You're beautiful Scully._

I brushed a strand of her silk-like hair out of her sleeping eyes.

_In more then a physical way.  Your mind is a work of art.  The kind you hang on your wall because it delights you so.  The kind you are pained over losing.  The kind you're proud to have around._

_Scully..._

I squeeze her hand as more poetry comes to mind.  This time I speak my words.

"In a field

I am the absence 

of field.

This is 

always the case.

Wherever I am

I am what is missing.

When I walk

I part the air

and always

the air moves in

to fill the spaces

where my body's been.

We all have reasons 

for moving.

I move

to keep things whole."

The door swung open again and Mrs. Scully rushed over to her daughter's side.  I retreated as mother grasped daughter's hand and whispered words of comfort.

"Dana honey, Mommy is here."  Funny how when things end roughly, Mom is no longer Mom but Mommy.  Mommy kissed boo-boos and made them all better.  Mommy always knew where it hurt.  I could sure use a mommy right about now.  

Not that I deserved one.

I'd almost backed out of the cold room when she turned to me.

"How did it happen Fox?"

I wanted to run from her pain filled eyes.  To hide under a rock rather then to tell her about her daughter's last conscious moments.  But she deserved to know.

"We were fighting."  I detached myself from the conversation. "She decided to resign. She knew.  She collapsed." I couldn't form anymore complex thoughts.

"Knew about what?" 

"She knew she was dying or that something was wrong.  But she didn't want to tell anyone."

"She never did like it when people made a big fuss over her."

No she didn't, did she.  I had to get out of there.  

The room seemed to be shrinking.  Upon my entrance I'd thought it huge and her small frame on the bed impossibly small.  But now it was closing in on me and leaving no room for anything, air included.

"I'll leave you two alone." I muttered quickening my steady retreat.

"Thank you Fox.  I know this is hard but I also know that Dana would have wanted you here.  You meant a lot to her."  I acknowledged her with a brief shake of my head.

She meant a lot to me too.  More then a lot.

She was my freaking light in all this mess.

How the hell was I supposed to go on after she was gone?

I couldn't.  She couldn't.

"She means a lot to me too.  We found something to cure her with last time and I'm not going to stop looking until I find something this time."

Suddenly I knew that this was not the end.  That it couldn't ever be the end.  That there was no way I was just going to sit back and watch her pass out of my life.

She wasn't going anywhere.

The Lone Gunmen

1:01 pm

            "We don't think that it can be done that's all that we are saying.  She means a lot to us too Mulder but sometimes you have to accept what you can't change.  We'll all miss her but she is better off now." Byers tried to comfort.

            "I can't accept it." I started pacing and throwing my hands around in the air wildly, as if any of that could help. "I won't accept it." pause for dramatic effect. Resume pacing. "There has to be a cure." end pacing.  Maybe if I resorted to stage directions this would be easier to handle.

            Mulder moves down center and ignores Byers' pained expression.  Frohike moves up right turning his back on the rest of the room and especially Mulder.  Langley fiddles on his keyboard nervously.

            Nope, it didn't help.

            "Mulder we know how you feel but the chances of finding a cure are about one in a million and then taking into account the amount of time you have, it's almost impossible.  Langley muttered.

            "But not entirely impossible." I was clinging to any shred of hope they could offer me.

            "No not entirely but..."  Frohike drifted off knowing that it wouldn't matter what any of them said.

            "I'm not giving up on her.  She wouldn't give up on me.  We can't give up on her." I pleaded with them for their help.  

            One by one, reluctant heads nodded their consent.  

An: Poems by Robert Frost: Acquainted with the Night. Poem by Mark Strand: Keeping Things Whole.


End file.
